for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
