I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
