ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
