I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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