I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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