i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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