I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
