omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Rumble strips road head = magical
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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