you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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