Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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