i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
