You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
