checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
