I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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