There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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