My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
