We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
