**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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