my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
