You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
