I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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