just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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