I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
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When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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