who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
