Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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