I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
