ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.