just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
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I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
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i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.