Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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