I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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