Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
