the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
