Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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