i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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