the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
