Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
