I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
not ubering you a puppy
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
