hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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