she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
