piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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