I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
