i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
