Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
