Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
