You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
