i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
