It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
