Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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