I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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