and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
