If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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