sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
