Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
