she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am midnight drunk by noon
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so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
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I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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