I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Never joke about your clitoris.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize