i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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