Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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