A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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