apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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