I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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