apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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