I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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