Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
