If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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