At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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